pasang surut hidup

lately my life has been a misery..i cant interprate how misery it is coz its too personal..i talk to no one..my immediate superior said, cheer up but i just cant..it hurts deep inside..i know i hurt him more..he bleeds more that i did..but i just cant console any of us..neither him nor me..coz i really dunno the route cause..it just happened..or the root cause maybe there..im the one who didnt realize..

thru my net reading, i found out that he's the source of the problem but i doubt that..at least, he's not at fault entirely..i contributed too! Ya Allah..we are seriously being tested...i wish i can talk to someone..but i come to think, i cant think of anyone that i can trust..i mean 'takkan u want to open pekung di dada kan'? i have also come to think, this could be the punishment of my past sin..huhu.. im so not good person u know..

as at now, what i can do is just to keep myself being silence..i cant run, can i? i cry listening to sentimental song, in the middle of office hour ok? how bad can this feeling be? and how long will it last? im waiting for him to say something but me? i did nothing..im waiting for his sms but me? i sent none..im speechless..really im worst at handling my own problem when i can give good advice to others..

sigh..i wish im stronger..i wish i work out something to end this dilemma..i wish, this love that we had is as fresh as the one we had in our lovy-dovy days..how i wish i can say to him that i still need him and love him and want him..i wish..

the word 'b'...

it relates to presents..parties..wishes..yes! u got it correct..its birthday..my 13th birthday..no, i dont simply did the typo error..i meant it..keh3..thanks for all the wishes..the smses..the doa...the emails..the thots..i really appreciate them all..my lil' boy is the only human who didnt wish me..keh3..of course la coz he didnt speak yet..he only mumbles in his own language..

received present as early as 3am..from hubby..he put it nicely in blue wrapper on our dining table..thanks hubby for the 'black-is-beauty' purse. luv it..luv it luv it luv it! owh..received a token from honda last week..i didnt drive honda ok. my sister did..she borrowed my name for her loan but any correspondence will come to me! lucky me hah? next..received number of smses..calls..emails..wishes..from old & new friends..

at office, i brought oreo cheese cake made by SIL. it was a pot luck organised by our team. everybody brought their own foods. i cut the cake and distributed to all - no singing pls! i hate the world know its my day :) im sorry to those who didnt taste a bite..it was a nice piece..many have commented..in fact, i got 1 order for the same cake already!

all in all, i wish everyday is my birthday..keh3..coz it makes me feel good..appreciated..remembered..i just hope not every single day goes by and me wasting it until my next birthday..may Allah grants me with more patience and thankful spirit..thanks Allah for this blessing!

the word 'p'

hi..can u guess what the word is? its related to kids :) yes..pregnancy! alhamdullilah im 7 weeks preggy now. i dont go thru the morning sickness yet but the mood swing, definitely! i will have this moody swing especially in the morning once i reach my office :) oh yaa, my twin also preggy about the same time..we will deliver our kid early jan 09 InsyaAllah..

this is a planning preggy, im happy but then im worried too..i didnt even think of this untill my mom called this afternoon. i was in a meeting, so had to return her call. she's worry on my condition who will be going on long journey next mth..to be exact, umrah..yes insyaAllah im performing my umrah mid jun onwards for 2 weeks. i'll leave my son with his granny..whom he recognises more than me (sob sob)..my mom is worry that i will experience another miscarriage due to im taking flight, the pressure in the flight so on n so forth..i had one last year before i gave birth to adam. ok, im scared now! i asked dr miza's opinion via sms on the same matter. long before i received her reply, i called hubby.

hubby told me not to worry. if the baby is meant to be for us, if Allah grants it, he/she will be ours..hmm he got a point there. he suggested me to search from the net on the related topic. he shared his friend's experience of taking a flight at early pregnancy. alhamdullilah the baby survived.

then i got the reply from dr miza. she said, its quite risky to take a flight especially if its a long journey. she did asked, am i pregnant? i said yes and reminded her not to share the news yet with anybody.. with the hope it will be a surprise..let hubby tell his side of family..i have told mine.

from my reading over the net, most of them were saying it is safe to take flight in early pregnancy. avoid the flight when u r 36 weeks onwards preggy..it sounds relieving but yet unbelieving :) for now, im going to umrah..try to gain as much ibadah as i could..the rest i will let Allah to decide..

tribute..

thanks to her..my mom..been patiently taught me about life..about love..about everything..last thursday was her 59th birthday..i just sent her sms..no gift nor present..deep down, i really wanted to buy her something..and i stopped and think..she owned everything that she wants..she used to work..she hold her own money like i do now..hmmm..

u know what i wanns do? i want to buy her times..i want to spend more times with her..i used to accompany her when i was single..i listened to her stories of madness, sadness, happiness..in which i have less time doing it now since im married..sometimes i wonder, have i been a good daughter to her?

she fulfilled all of my request during my teenage time..why cant i do the same for her now? i used to hurt her feeling..a lot..still she forgive me..she forget all my fault..she still has all the love to give..can i do the same for my children?

mom, if u can hear me, i just want to say i love u so much..being a daughter to you, yes i admit, there were times when we are not in the same opinion..but it doesnt make us farther..mom, pls forgive me for all my wrong doing..my stubbornness..my ego..my carelessness..i promise to be a good mama to my children..because of u mak..

love..

everybody has their own way to express love. but how does one show that there is no more left? they say it verbally..or show it using body language..? or how do someone confirms that there is no more love left..in his/her heart? i heard ppl says, falling in love is easy..but to maintain the feeling, it will take lots n lots of effort..and the effort must come from both parties..it takes 2 to tango right?

im not sure if im the ignorant type..or expressive type..or typical type..when it comes to relationship..or love per say..but from what i know, i didnt say much..sometimes i didnt bother..or shld i say, tried not to bother coz im tired of thinking that im at the guilty side..so when i feel im guilty, ill keep myself quite..tried to defend myself deep inside when infact i know i was wrong..how can both parties are correct..and wrong at the same time? the fact that im wrong is clear..and the fact that the other party is correct is also obvious..whats left to say..? im clueless..im sorry..im guilty..im crying..i plead for i dont know how many thousand chances to improve situation..

will u forgive me?

fuh!..

it has been quite sometimes..i am very sure that's the password..but how come it doesnt allow me to go in? luckly, after some not-so-hard-work, i managed to create new password..n that's why im here to continue the journey of this blog..

hey there my blog..miss u..i really do..who in the world would miss her own blog? is there no more human being that is still alive to be missed? keh3x..i miss to write..thats exactly what i mean. i love to write but sometimes i cant put my thots into words..sometimes i cant express myself clearly..sometimes words just got into ways..sometime im just lazy!

being a working mother to one son (so far)..a wife..surely somehow make me a busy person..but i didnt cook @ home..so what's the big deal? its true i didnt cook but it doesnt mean i didnt wash dishes, sweep the house, moop the floor, ironing cloths etc etc..which still makes im a busy mom :)

i wanted to write so much about life..about me..about anything..i'll continue blogging so long im still breathing in and out..that will also depend so much on my mood keh3x

latest updates
work place - im still working in the same place but different team..its my 8th anniversary ok!
report duty - im reporting to my x-colleague..i mean we r still colleage..but we used to be in the same level but she's 1 step higher than me now..
son - he's 7 mths now..may visit his blog - updated by hubby n me of course :P
hubby - waiting for assessment to job upgrading this month
others - joined 'tw' last year but only managed to make sale this month

guess that's all fr now..

life's like that

assalamulaikum..shld we fight life or shld we just ignore what happened and leave it just like that?..sometimes i dun understand me..sometimes i dunno what i want..sometimes i just dunno what's best for me..sometimes i dunno if i have done to the fullest..i guess, sometimes life's like that..ya Allah i ask for strength to go on with life..i ask for ur forgiveness..i ask 4 ur rahmat..i ask for ur hidayah..i ask everything i could ask for..bless me ya Allah..im so weak in the world full of lies..hypocrite..greediness..blindness..hatred..

hubby is suggesting for me to update my resume. he's been doing that for ages. im the one who ignored his suggestion. pity me now..stranded in my own stubbornness. now, im doing what he asked me to do. i have taken my current resume from my x-pc at 10th floor. need hubby to look at it tonight before we send it to whichever organisation concerned. i just dont want customer service field anymore to continue with. maybe something new ie admin..hr..so long it doesnt involved directly with customers..

in the process of upadating resume..syhhh